Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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