At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
