I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
