I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
