So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
