this boner is exhausting
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
