Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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