Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
