and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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