I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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