I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I don't deserve a penis
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
