im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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