I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
