Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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