Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
