If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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