Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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