brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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