That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
operation harelip BJ is a go
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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