did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
