you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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