Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
