just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
