pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
