just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
