Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i've created a new STD.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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