you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
