she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
