So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
