Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
