hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
