This is not my ceiling
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
