i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
