just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
