I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
