I'm pants shitting drunk right now
there's paper in my vomit.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
