omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I will be naked everywhere
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
