You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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