And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
