I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
bring money and cleavage
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
