I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
