our cab driver is having phone sex.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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