I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
