Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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