just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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