You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm passing your future prison.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
