i just had sex bonerless
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
