My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
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