Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
