i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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