I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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