Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
