I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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