I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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