I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
