you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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