I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
