As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize